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Today Woking News Farce can exclusively reveal that a local news website editor was trapped inside of his own head in his house in Horsell, Surrey. At 09:32 yesterday a team of 7 police officers obtained a court warrant to enter the house of the editor, who cannot be named, after fans of his website notified the authorities of a ‘dry spell’ on the website, with no new articles posted for over 6 months.
Police entered to find the editor in a perpetual state of incensed wrath, sitting on the floor of his upstairs bathroom and muttering quietly to himself about the state of local newspapers. Tim Olver, PC, was first on the scene:
“When we entered the room he didn’t even look up. He was just sitting on the floor rocking gently back and forth, surrounding by copies of Woking newspapers. He was just so angry.”
The editor was taken to Woking Police Station where he was seen by a specialist psychiatrist Dylan Senate who released a statement to journalists later in the afternoon:
“I am sorry to let you know that the editor has Type II Local Media Fury Disorder. This is a serious condition which we are treating with professional counseling. My thoughts, and those of the Surrey Police Force, are with the editor’s family and friends.”
“Type II LMFD has grown by over 1,000% this year in the UK alone. It is caused by consistently shoddy, and often dire, local journalism. Local papers are increasingly filled with the shockingly mindless ramblings of opinionated, and frequently incorrect, commentators on topics that they are barely capable of spelling.”
“When you couple this with articles about events as uninteresting and tedious as the theft of 2 teak fence panels and the discovery of a common moth in an allotment in a local village by a man with 3 teeth, you can understand why people get so livid. The final straw for 34% of sufferers was that some of these newspapers are not free. That’s right – you actually have to pay someone to read this complete cock.”
The editor will be moved to a rehabilitation clinic later in the week where it is hoped he will make a partial recovery.