Police entered to find the editor in a perpetual state of incensed wrath, sitting on the floor of his upstairs bathroom and muttering quietly to himself about the state of local newspapers. Tim Olver, PC, was first on the scene:

“When we entered the room he didn’t even look up. He was just sitting on the floor rocking gently back and forth, surrounding by copies of Woking newspapers. He was just so angry.”

The editor was taken to Woking Police Station where he was seen by a specialist psychiatrist Dylan Senate who released a statement to journalists later in the afternoon:

“I am sorry to let you know that the editor has Type II Local Media Fury Disorder. This is a serious condition which we are treating with professional counseling. My thoughts, and those of the Surrey Police Force, are with the editor’s family and friends.”

“Type II LMFD has grown by over 1,000% this year in the UK alone. It is caused by consistently shoddy, and often dire, local journalism. Local papers are increasingly filled with the shockingly mindless ramblings of opinionated, and frequently incorrect, commentators on topics that they are barely capable of spelling.”

“When you couple this with articles about events as uninteresting and tedious as the theft of 2 teak fence panels and the discovery of a common moth in an allotment in a local village by a man with 3 teeth, you can understand why people get so livid. The final straw for 34% of sufferers was that some of these newspapers are not free. That’s right – you actually have to pay someone to read this complete cock.”

The editor will be moved to a rehabilitation clinic later in the week where it is hoped he will make a partial recovery.

Dean Seargent or Surrey Criminal Investigation Bureau was quoted as saying:

“We don’t think this is anything out of the ordinary. We often find odd things in and around the Common… like needles, knives, baseball bats… this doesn’t mean anything untoward is happening. If we were to go around investigating things like this we wouldn’t have time for ‘proper’ policing like watching CCTV cameras.

More Woking News…

Janice Copperwood from the ‘Mugged’ support line spoke up:

“Attacks like these are not only horrifying, but completely ridiculous. First of all, who in Surrey only wears £500 of jewellery? I mean, I’m from Hampshire and even I’m wearing a diamond bangle from Italy that’s worth well over a grand. What was the mugger thinking? We are calling for an immediate public enquiry into the state of mind of the mugger.”

The police have released details of the mugger from a nearby CCTV camera. The man is described as “of medium build, with brown hair and wearing a ‘hoody’.”

Anyone matching this description should be immediately reported to the Surrey Police Crime-Stoppers help-line.

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The police helicopter lends invaluable support to ground police forces, able to search a square mile in only 12 minutes.

Over the last 12 months the helicopter has been requested an average of 7 times per day, primarily to help in the search for lost cats. Pilot Trevor Chapman is now grounded at Fairoaks airport while repairs take place:

“It’s really frustrating. We used to be able to go and collect takeaway pizza and be back at the heli-pad in time for neighbours (using some low level flying and a winch).”

Ground-based police forces are now working harder to take up the slack. A local PC commented:

“10 years ago we didn’t even have a police helicopter. It was much quieter. Unfortunately since we now call the helicopter out for almost everything, we’ve all got much larger and slower and can’t really manage without it. This is a real crisis.”

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Residents and business owners in Chertsey Road in Woking town centre were today informed that their road had experienced over twice as much crime as any other in the borough.

Exactly 632 crimes were reported in the 12 months from March 2008.

Although the specific nature of the crimes is unclear, it is universally assumed that crimes were committed by ‘youths’ wearing ‘hoodies’. Many of them are believed to have originated from another country, although there is wide-spread confusion over where this might be.

A local resident commented, “We hear a lot of police sirens at night but we didn’t realise the extent of the problem. It’s like New York back in the 60’s but worse. Much worse.”

The Solution: CCTV Cameras

In an emergency meeting, local authorities decided to spend over 20,000 government ‘pounds’ on 2 new CCTV cameras. At current exchange rates this equates to around £60,000 worth of taxpayers money. A spokesman explained the decision,

“We obviously had 2 options. We could either let the problem carry on unnoticed, or we could watch it on CCTV. Despite CCTV not having any effect on similar hot-spots throughout the borough, we thought, ‘Hey! Screw-it! Maybe it will work this time.”

Police sought to reassure a minority of residents who suggested that the new scheme was nothing other than a complete waste of taxpayers money and a further invasion of privacy,

“Our number 1 priority is the safety of the public. But we also have to consider the safety of police officers, which is also a number 1 priority. The other number 1 priority is tight budget control.”

“The public has to understand that whilst the sum of money involved could easily pay for a police officer to patrol the entire area and actually prevent crime for a year, this would put an officer at risk.”

“Put yourselves in our position – would you go out in Woking on a Friday night? I think not. Not with there being criminals everywhere. Watching them on CCTV is not only safer, but we are often able to sell video clips to amusing daytime television shows.”