Police entered to find the editor in a perpetual state of incensed wrath, sitting on the floor of his upstairs bathroom and muttering quietly to himself about the state of local newspapers. Tim Olver, PC, was first on the scene:

“When we entered the room he didn’t even look up. He was just sitting on the floor rocking gently back and forth, surrounding by copies of Woking newspapers. He was just so angry.”

The editor was taken to Woking Police Station where he was seen by a specialist psychiatrist Dylan Senate who released a statement to journalists later in the afternoon:

“I am sorry to let you know that the editor has Type II Local Media Fury Disorder. This is a serious condition which we are treating with professional counseling. My thoughts, and those of the Surrey Police Force, are with the editor’s family and friends.”

“Type II LMFD has grown by over 1,000% this year in the UK alone. It is caused by consistently shoddy, and often dire, local journalism. Local papers are increasingly filled with the shockingly mindless ramblings of opinionated, and frequently incorrect, commentators on topics that they are barely capable of spelling.”

“When you couple this with articles about events as uninteresting and tedious as the theft of 2 teak fence panels and the discovery of a common moth in an allotment in a local village by a man with 3 teeth, you can understand why people get so livid. The final straw for 34% of sufferers was that some of these newspapers are not free. That’s right – you actually have to pay someone to read this complete cock.”

The editor will be moved to a rehabilitation clinic later in the week where it is hoped he will make a partial recovery.

The biggest weirdo was last seen wondering back and forth across the street, waving a metal clothes hanger above his head and talking in morse code.

The behaviour has been attributed to a recent Google post on Twitter.com which gave coordinates for Woodham Road along with a picture of crop circles.

Unfortunately this has led to a marked increase in weird conspiracy-theory types in the area. We stopped the least weird looking weirdo (who was wearing a Stargate SG-1 T-shirt) and asked him to explain why he was in Woking:

“We all know that Google worked closely with visitors from an alien race to develop their mystical search engine technology and that’s why they don’t tell anybody how it works and if they did the aliens would kill them and probably the entire human race so of course when Google released a picture of crop circles I thought the aliens would probably be visiting again so I came to see them and see if they would sign my T-shirt so that I could be popular and talk to females again… you know… maybe have ‘special’ cuddles and stuff.”

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The proposal follows government research released earlier this month which suggests 20mph zones should be introduced across England to lower traffic accident rates. Always quick to act, the Liberal Democrats in Horsell hand-picked 20 roads throughout the village on which to implement these ‘Mile-Per-Hour’ zones.

Traffic speeds on these 20 dangerous roads would be restricted to 1mph at all times, helping to keep pedestrians and vulnerable children safe.

Some residents have voiced their concerns that it would increase travel times across the village from 4 minutes to approximately 2 and a half hours on the worst-hit routes. We spoke to Roger Acer, 29, who lives on Meadway Rd, one of the targeted zones, what he thought of the plans. We asked whether he thought they would affect him personally and whether he thought the scheme was likely to reduce traffic accidents in the village.

“No comment.”

The Liberal Democrats told readers of their plans in their latest mail-shot.

“One of the most frequent complaints our county councillor receives is about speeding and inconsiderate driving in the village”.

Critics have questioned whether this one man’s recklessness should warrant a village-wide £30million traffic scheme.

Further proposed measures to control traffic speed include a liberal scattering of carpet tacks on roads, the throwing of cardboard children into the paths of oncoming traffic and sporadic small arms fire. Councillors have hinted more drastic measures will be required in the future.

“We must do all we can to save lives. There were 0 accidents last year and we aim to do even better in the years to come.”

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Residents and business owners in Chertsey Road in Woking town centre were today informed that their road had experienced over twice as much crime as any other in the borough.

Exactly 632 crimes were reported in the 12 months from March 2008.

Although the specific nature of the crimes is unclear, it is universally assumed that crimes were committed by ‘youths’ wearing ‘hoodies’. Many of them are believed to have originated from another country, although there is wide-spread confusion over where this might be.

A local resident commented, “We hear a lot of police sirens at night but we didn’t realise the extent of the problem. It’s like New York back in the 60’s but worse. Much worse.”

The Solution: CCTV Cameras

In an emergency meeting, local authorities decided to spend over 20,000 government ‘pounds’ on 2 new CCTV cameras. At current exchange rates this equates to around £60,000 worth of taxpayers money. A spokesman explained the decision,

“We obviously had 2 options. We could either let the problem carry on unnoticed, or we could watch it on CCTV. Despite CCTV not having any effect on similar hot-spots throughout the borough, we thought, ‘Hey! Screw-it! Maybe it will work this time.”

Police sought to reassure a minority of residents who suggested that the new scheme was nothing other than a complete waste of taxpayers money and a further invasion of privacy,

“Our number 1 priority is the safety of the public. But we also have to consider the safety of police officers, which is also a number 1 priority. The other number 1 priority is tight budget control.”

“The public has to understand that whilst the sum of money involved could easily pay for a police officer to patrol the entire area and actually prevent crime for a year, this would put an officer at risk.”

“Put yourselves in our position – would you go out in Woking on a Friday night? I think not. Not with there being criminals everywhere. Watching them on CCTV is not only safer, but we are often able to sell video clips to amusing daytime television shows.”