Police entered to find the editor in a perpetual state of incensed wrath, sitting on the floor of his upstairs bathroom and muttering quietly to himself about the state of local newspapers. Tim Olver, PC, was first on the scene:

“When we entered the room he didn’t even look up. He was just sitting on the floor rocking gently back and forth, surrounding by copies of Woking newspapers. He was just so angry.”

The editor was taken to Woking Police Station where he was seen by a specialist psychiatrist Dylan Senate who released a statement to journalists later in the afternoon:

“I am sorry to let you know that the editor has Type II Local Media Fury Disorder. This is a serious condition which we are treating with professional counseling. My thoughts, and those of the Surrey Police Force, are with the editor’s family and friends.”

“Type II LMFD has grown by over 1,000% this year in the UK alone. It is caused by consistently shoddy, and often dire, local journalism. Local papers are increasingly filled with the shockingly mindless ramblings of opinionated, and frequently incorrect, commentators on topics that they are barely capable of spelling.”

“When you couple this with articles about events as uninteresting and tedious as the theft of 2 teak fence panels and the discovery of a common moth in an allotment in a local village by a man with 3 teeth, you can understand why people get so livid. The final straw for 34% of sufferers was that some of these newspapers are not free. That’s right – you actually have to pay someone to read this complete cock.”

The editor will be moved to a rehabilitation clinic later in the week where it is hoped he will make a partial recovery.

Dean Seargent or Surrey Criminal Investigation Bureau was quoted as saying:

“We don’t think this is anything out of the ordinary. We often find odd things in and around the Common… like needles, knives, baseball bats… this doesn’t mean anything untoward is happening. If we were to go around investigating things like this we wouldn’t have time for ‘proper’ policing like watching CCTV cameras.

More Woking News…

The biggest weirdo was last seen wondering back and forth across the street, waving a metal clothes hanger above his head and talking in morse code.

The behaviour has been attributed to a recent Google post on Twitter.com which gave coordinates for Woodham Road along with a picture of crop circles.

Unfortunately this has led to a marked increase in weird conspiracy-theory types in the area. We stopped the least weird looking weirdo (who was wearing a Stargate SG-1 T-shirt) and asked him to explain why he was in Woking:

“We all know that Google worked closely with visitors from an alien race to develop their mystical search engine technology and that’s why they don’t tell anybody how it works and if they did the aliens would kill them and probably the entire human race so of course when Google released a picture of crop circles I thought the aliens would probably be visiting again so I came to see them and see if they would sign my T-shirt so that I could be popular and talk to females again… you know… maybe have ‘special’ cuddles and stuff.”

Catch up on more up-to-the-minute Woking News!

Five miles of crowd-restraining barriers had been erected for the event, with crowd numbers exceeding five mothers and an elderly woman who was unable to cross the road.

The competing cyclists could be seen warming up around the town centre, using melodramatic stretches designed to flaunt their well-muscled and hairless legs to passers-by.

Damien Cheyne from Essex took part in the amateur level race and commented: “This is a great event and we’re all pushing the same message – We’re better than you. We’re fitter, take less sick leave, are more focused and have more attractive children. You should take up cycling, but it’s so hard you would almost certainly fail.”

“I’m really looking forward to cycling home past the queues of stationary traffic. I made this banner which says ‘I’m better than you!!!’ and I put three exclamation marks on the end.”

“The only disappointment throughout the day was the ugly railway bridge before the finish line – you’d have thought they’d have made an effort to put some murals up or something?”

A letter signed by over 500 local residents was yesterday sent to the council offices to congratulate them on the coup.

“Just when we thought nothing could debase the council further, they’ve really pulled out all the stops and kicked us squarely in the teeth.”

The commotion has resulted from the Council’s decision to bring the town to a complete stand-still in preparation for a miserably boring cycling event to be held on the 2nd June. Councillor Ray Durham was involved in preparations for the event:

“After wasting money hand-over-fist since we came to power we’ve been finding it difficult to keep the public surprised. When the cycle tour committee came to us and asked us to close the entire town for a day, we thought – this’ll really get them smack in the face, a real kick in the teeth.”

In addition to closing all of Woking’s major roads for the day with high delays expected across all routes, Woking Council have really gone the whole hog and have spent £10,000 cleaning the underside of the Victoria Arch Rail.

Local resident Tim Allen commented:

“It’s great that the council have finally cleared the walls under the Victoria Arch – It’s one of those jobs that wouldn’t cost much and will make a big difference for people underneath it… Sorry it cost how much?… Wow! They’ve done it again!”

Crowds of over 5 people are expected to flock to the event next month, with spectators mainly consisting of the cyclist’s parents and body-hair-removers.

More Woking News.

Scout Leader Ray Chambers has organised the event with help from local volunteers:

“We’re looking forward to making a record profit for ourselves this year. The formula is tried and tested – ask our Scouts to bring in their parent’s rubbish which we then sell on to the stupidest people we can find.”

A wide range of complete tosh will be available, with Ray’s highlights so far including a broken torch and half empty baked beans can. Although not confirmed, it is hoped the event will also feature a shell suit jacket manufactured in the mid 90’s.

Bargain-hunter Chris Jameson will be waiting for doors to open Saturday morning:

“I’ve withdrawn £5 from the bank, so I’m hoping to come back full to bursting with completely useless household waste. If I’m lucky I might even find an even stupider person later in the day to buy it off me.”

We asked Chris if he will be searching for anything special:

“Not really. I prefer rubbish without any sort of animal waste on it, but it all depends on the price.”

You can join in the festivities this Saturday in Woking with doors opening at 10 o clock.

The owners who came along were started off with the basic dog ownership skills, such as how to look the other way at just the right time to avoid seeing your dog taking a crap to avoid needing to pick it up. Key phrases for diverting attention away from onlookers was practiced in a friendly group environment, with each owner taking it in turns to shout, “hey, look! A spaceship!” whilst pointing away from their befouling hound.

A local dogwalker from the Horsell Common area commented,

“This is just what we’ve (dogwalkers) been waiting for. If you watch your dog go for a crap and someone sees, you kinda feel like you have to pick it up, which is disgusting. I mean, who wants to pick up a warm, sometimes wet, turd?”

Separate sessions were run for dog owners with particular training needs. One group were told how best to manage incidents involving their large dogs running out of control at small children whilst barking loudly. Owners were asked to memorise phrases such as “Don’t worry, my little scary Deathbringer won’t eat you alive, don’t be scared!” whilst ambling after their pets in a fairly lethargic manner.

Local PC Adrian Smith attended the event with his family and was pleased with the turn out,

“It was a great event – a big thank you to the responsible dog owners who got involved. That said, I would have liked to have seen more content on using your dog as a means of self defence against criminals, or even as weapons. Like creating killer-dogs or something, you know.”

The event was run by Sandra Wilson as part of National Pet Month. Sandra runs training sessions across the county as well as operating her own local dog training company. In a quick break between sessions Sandra told us,

“Dog training should be fun for both the dog and the owner. It’s less about the stick and more about the carrot. Except when you’re playing games involving fetching sticks, when the stick is actually paramount. That said, it has become fashionable to use a long plastic ball-lobber instead, but that’s different really when you think about it.”

Sandra will be back at Pets at Residence in Woking the third week of May.