Police entered to find the editor in a perpetual state of incensed wrath, sitting on the floor of his upstairs bathroom and muttering quietly to himself about the state of local newspapers. Tim Olver, PC, was first on the scene:

“When we entered the room he didn’t even look up. He was just sitting on the floor rocking gently back and forth, surrounding by copies of Woking newspapers. He was just so angry.”

The editor was taken to Woking Police Station where he was seen by a specialist psychiatrist Dylan Senate who released a statement to journalists later in the afternoon:

“I am sorry to let you know that the editor has Type II Local Media Fury Disorder. This is a serious condition which we are treating with professional counseling. My thoughts, and those of the Surrey Police Force, are with the editor’s family and friends.”

“Type II LMFD has grown by over 1,000% this year in the UK alone. It is caused by consistently shoddy, and often dire, local journalism. Local papers are increasingly filled with the shockingly mindless ramblings of opinionated, and frequently incorrect, commentators on topics that they are barely capable of spelling.”

“When you couple this with articles about events as uninteresting and tedious as the theft of 2 teak fence panels and the discovery of a common moth in an allotment in a local village by a man with 3 teeth, you can understand why people get so livid. The final straw for 34% of sufferers was that some of these newspapers are not free. That’s right – you actually have to pay someone to read this complete cock.”

The editor will be moved to a rehabilitation clinic later in the week where it is hoped he will make a partial recovery.

Popularity soared at many of the Horsell Common car parks after visitors found areas of the woods that weren’t covered in more than 2ft of solid dog faeces. Prior to the discovery it was believed the mathematical probability of walking in the common without getting turd on your toesies was around 0.07%.

Dogging is now a popular pastime amongst both young and old locals, as William Forrester explains:

“I’ve been dogging in Horsell Common for 2 years now… I started as more of an onlooker back when I was 72, but now I actively get involved whenever I can.”

The past-time has even inspired a short novel – ‘Wood in the Woods’ – to be published shortly.

The biggest weirdo was last seen wondering back and forth across the street, waving a metal clothes hanger above his head and talking in morse code.

The behaviour has been attributed to a recent Google post on Twitter.com which gave coordinates for Woodham Road along with a picture of crop circles.

Unfortunately this has led to a marked increase in weird conspiracy-theory types in the area. We stopped the least weird looking weirdo (who was wearing a Stargate SG-1 T-shirt) and asked him to explain why he was in Woking:

“We all know that Google worked closely with visitors from an alien race to develop their mystical search engine technology and that’s why they don’t tell anybody how it works and if they did the aliens would kill them and probably the entire human race so of course when Google released a picture of crop circles I thought the aliens would probably be visiting again so I came to see them and see if they would sign my T-shirt so that I could be popular and talk to females again… you know… maybe have ‘special’ cuddles and stuff.”

Catch up on more up-to-the-minute Woking News!

Ray Morgan, Chief Executive of Woking Borough Council, has earlier today hit back against claims that being CEO for both the borough council and the energy company supplying the borough would lead to a lack of partiality.

“These claims are absolutely ridiculous. OF COURSE I have a vested interest in promoting the energy company through shady deals with the council, because that way I get more money you see. Don’t you like money? Isn’t that why you have a job? Well then.”

“It’s good for taxpayers as well. Because… you know… stuff.”

Sometimes farce just isn’t enough.

The camel belongs to the Arabian 3-toed genus, commonly referred to as the ’ships of the desert’ as they are normally full of Arab semen. Over 3 camels are kept in the Woking area, with the recent escape described as “truly shocking” by a random passer by.

Adam Straddler commented, “why are there camels in Woking at all?”  Good question.

(We told you we’d be waiting for something good…) More Woking News

Nothing.

Zip.

We could resort to writing about stuff that’s not really interesting like a youth group or some kids that have really proud smiling parents but that’s really not what the news is all about. We’ll let you know when something cool happens.

For old (and therefore irrelevant) Woking news click back there <-

Woking town centre has long been criticised for not offering local residents with enough space to park all 3 of their 4×4’s at once, despite living within a 5 minute walk of local amenities.

A local resident commented:

“We were starting to get really worried. Not only are there not enough car parking spaces, but the spaces themselves just aren’t big enough. I choose to drive a 16 wheeler lorry that I imported from the States due to my astonishing wealth – and I can’t park it anywhere. Hopefully when Pig Flu decimates the population of Woking it will free up some space.”

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A letter signed by over 500 local residents was yesterday sent to the council offices to congratulate them on the coup.

“Just when we thought nothing could debase the council further, they’ve really pulled out all the stops and kicked us squarely in the teeth.”

The commotion has resulted from the Council’s decision to bring the town to a complete stand-still in preparation for a miserably boring cycling event to be held on the 2nd June. Councillor Ray Durham was involved in preparations for the event:

“After wasting money hand-over-fist since we came to power we’ve been finding it difficult to keep the public surprised. When the cycle tour committee came to us and asked us to close the entire town for a day, we thought – this’ll really get them smack in the face, a real kick in the teeth.”

In addition to closing all of Woking’s major roads for the day with high delays expected across all routes, Woking Council have really gone the whole hog and have spent £10,000 cleaning the underside of the Victoria Arch Rail.

Local resident Tim Allen commented:

“It’s great that the council have finally cleared the walls under the Victoria Arch – It’s one of those jobs that wouldn’t cost much and will make a big difference for people underneath it… Sorry it cost how much?… Wow! They’ve done it again!”

Crowds of over 5 people are expected to flock to the event next month, with spectators mainly consisting of the cyclist’s parents and body-hair-removers.

More Woking News.

Statistics given to a local newspaper reveal that the canopy has produced 45,123 kwh of power over the last year, around 24% less than hoped.

The council has been quick to blame the variable British weather. A spokesperson commented:

“How were we to know that we wouldn’t be basking in sun all year. The British weather is normally pleasantly Mediterranean… Oh hang on… That’s actually complete bull…”

The canopy was completed in 2007 at a cost to the taxpayer of £4,039,000. At an average cost of 10p per kwh the canopy has generated around £5,920 of power in it’s first year of operation. Assuming the canopy starts to operate at predicted levels, it will have paid for itself in exactly 681 years and 2 months.

When asked whether this was an overly-long time-frame for recouping the initial investment a council spokesperson replied:

“The figures you have just given us are clearly incorrect. You have to factor in all of the costs of maintaining the structure, cleaning it and so on. Our official estimates show the payback period to be more like 2,000 years. To be honest we won’t care by then… We’ll all have died from Swine Flu.”

“You can’t ignore the non-financial factors. We have protected around 20 square feet of Woking from rain, and that’s difficult to put a price on.”

Local residents have been strongly opposed to the canopy since its conception. We asked Roger Simpson whether the newly released figures had affected his opinion of the project:

“Are you having a laugh? They spend 4 million pounds to save us 6 grand a year. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I get so angry I have to build a pretend canopy out of tin foil and cardboard and then just smash the living daylights out of it.”

The proposal follows government research released earlier this month which suggests 20mph zones should be introduced across England to lower traffic accident rates. Always quick to act, the Liberal Democrats in Horsell hand-picked 20 roads throughout the village on which to implement these ‘Mile-Per-Hour’ zones.

Traffic speeds on these 20 dangerous roads would be restricted to 1mph at all times, helping to keep pedestrians and vulnerable children safe.

Some residents have voiced their concerns that it would increase travel times across the village from 4 minutes to approximately 2 and a half hours on the worst-hit routes. We spoke to Roger Acer, 29, who lives on Meadway Rd, one of the targeted zones, what he thought of the plans. We asked whether he thought they would affect him personally and whether he thought the scheme was likely to reduce traffic accidents in the village.

“No comment.”

The Liberal Democrats told readers of their plans in their latest mail-shot.

“One of the most frequent complaints our county councillor receives is about speeding and inconsiderate driving in the village”.

Critics have questioned whether this one man’s recklessness should warrant a village-wide £30million traffic scheme.

Further proposed measures to control traffic speed include a liberal scattering of carpet tacks on roads, the throwing of cardboard children into the paths of oncoming traffic and sporadic small arms fire. Councillors have hinted more drastic measures will be required in the future.

“We must do all we can to save lives. There were 0 accidents last year and we aim to do even better in the years to come.”

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