Police entered to find the editor in a perpetual state of incensed wrath, sitting on the floor of his upstairs bathroom and muttering quietly to himself about the state of local newspapers. Tim Olver, PC, was first on the scene:

“When we entered the room he didn’t even look up. He was just sitting on the floor rocking gently back and forth, surrounding by copies of Woking newspapers. He was just so angry.”

The editor was taken to Woking Police Station where he was seen by a specialist psychiatrist Dylan Senate who released a statement to journalists later in the afternoon:

“I am sorry to let you know that the editor has Type II Local Media Fury Disorder. This is a serious condition which we are treating with professional counseling. My thoughts, and those of the Surrey Police Force, are with the editor’s family and friends.”

“Type II LMFD has grown by over 1,000% this year in the UK alone. It is caused by consistently shoddy, and often dire, local journalism. Local papers are increasingly filled with the shockingly mindless ramblings of opinionated, and frequently incorrect, commentators on topics that they are barely capable of spelling.”

“When you couple this with articles about events as uninteresting and tedious as the theft of 2 teak fence panels and the discovery of a common moth in an allotment in a local village by a man with 3 teeth, you can understand why people get so livid. The final straw for 34% of sufferers was that some of these newspapers are not free. That’s right – you actually have to pay someone to read this complete cock.”

The editor will be moved to a rehabilitation clinic later in the week where it is hoped he will make a partial recovery.

Dean Seargent or Surrey Criminal Investigation Bureau was quoted as saying:

“We don’t think this is anything out of the ordinary. We often find odd things in and around the Common… like needles, knives, baseball bats… this doesn’t mean anything untoward is happening. If we were to go around investigating things like this we wouldn’t have time for ‘proper’ policing like watching CCTV cameras.

More Woking News…

Popularity soared at many of the Horsell Common car parks after visitors found areas of the woods that weren’t covered in more than 2ft of solid dog faeces. Prior to the discovery it was believed the mathematical probability of walking in the common without getting turd on your toesies was around 0.07%.

Dogging is now a popular pastime amongst both young and old locals, as William Forrester explains:

“I’ve been dogging in Horsell Common for 2 years now… I started as more of an onlooker back when I was 72, but now I actively get involved whenever I can.”

The past-time has even inspired a short novel – ‘Wood in the Woods’ – to be published shortly.

The biggest weirdo was last seen wondering back and forth across the street, waving a metal clothes hanger above his head and talking in morse code.

The behaviour has been attributed to a recent Google post on Twitter.com which gave coordinates for Woodham Road along with a picture of crop circles.

Unfortunately this has led to a marked increase in weird conspiracy-theory types in the area. We stopped the least weird looking weirdo (who was wearing a Stargate SG-1 T-shirt) and asked him to explain why he was in Woking:

“We all know that Google worked closely with visitors from an alien race to develop their mystical search engine technology and that’s why they don’t tell anybody how it works and if they did the aliens would kill them and probably the entire human race so of course when Google released a picture of crop circles I thought the aliens would probably be visiting again so I came to see them and see if they would sign my T-shirt so that I could be popular and talk to females again… you know… maybe have ‘special’ cuddles and stuff.”

Catch up on more up-to-the-minute Woking News!

Ray Morgan, Chief Executive of Woking Borough Council, has earlier today hit back against claims that being CEO for both the borough council and the energy company supplying the borough would lead to a lack of partiality.

“These claims are absolutely ridiculous. OF COURSE I have a vested interest in promoting the energy company through shady deals with the council, because that way I get more money you see. Don’t you like money? Isn’t that why you have a job? Well then.”

“It’s good for taxpayers as well. Because… you know… stuff.”

Sometimes farce just isn’t enough.

The camel belongs to the Arabian 3-toed genus, commonly referred to as the ’ships of the desert’ as they are normally full of Arab semen. Over 3 camels are kept in the Woking area, with the recent escape described as “truly shocking” by a random passer by.

Adam Straddler commented, “why are there camels in Woking at all?”  Good question.

(We told you we’d be waiting for something good…) More Woking News

Nothing.

Zip.

We could resort to writing about stuff that’s not really interesting like a youth group or some kids that have really proud smiling parents but that’s really not what the news is all about. We’ll let you know when something cool happens.

For old (and therefore irrelevant) Woking news click back there <-

Janice Copperwood from the ‘Mugged’ support line spoke up:

“Attacks like these are not only horrifying, but completely ridiculous. First of all, who in Surrey only wears £500 of jewellery? I mean, I’m from Hampshire and even I’m wearing a diamond bangle from Italy that’s worth well over a grand. What was the mugger thinking? We are calling for an immediate public enquiry into the state of mind of the mugger.”

The police have released details of the mugger from a nearby CCTV camera. The man is described as “of medium build, with brown hair and wearing a ‘hoody’.”

Anyone matching this description should be immediately reported to the Surrey Police Crime-Stoppers help-line.

Return to Woking News home

Woking town centre has long been criticised for not offering local residents with enough space to park all 3 of their 4×4’s at once, despite living within a 5 minute walk of local amenities.

A local resident commented:

“We were starting to get really worried. Not only are there not enough car parking spaces, but the spaces themselves just aren’t big enough. I choose to drive a 16 wheeler lorry that I imported from the States due to my astonishing wealth – and I can’t park it anywhere. Hopefully when Pig Flu decimates the population of Woking it will free up some space.”

Woking News Farce Home

Five miles of crowd-restraining barriers had been erected for the event, with crowd numbers exceeding five mothers and an elderly woman who was unable to cross the road.

The competing cyclists could be seen warming up around the town centre, using melodramatic stretches designed to flaunt their well-muscled and hairless legs to passers-by.

Damien Cheyne from Essex took part in the amateur level race and commented: “This is a great event and we’re all pushing the same message – We’re better than you. We’re fitter, take less sick leave, are more focused and have more attractive children. You should take up cycling, but it’s so hard you would almost certainly fail.”

“I’m really looking forward to cycling home past the queues of stationary traffic. I made this banner which says ‘I’m better than you!!!’ and I put three exclamation marks on the end.”

“The only disappointment throughout the day was the ugly railway bridge before the finish line – you’d have thought they’d have made an effort to put some murals up or something?”